What is Flirting?

The dictionary on my bookshelf defines flirting as "Behaving or acting amorously without emotional commitment." Well, that's one definition but, like me, you probably realise that there are also many other definitions of flirting. I have chosen a very generic definition of flirting on which to base my creation of the Flirting Weekend. This is because I feel it is important for people to realise that flirting can be a natural way of communicating with anyone as well as a way of communicating either amorous or sexual interest or both!

I recently discovered that the word 'flirting' has its roots in the old French word 'fleurter' meaning 'to flower' I like that. Here's my definition.

Flirting is shining your inner light via your words and deeds in such a way that people are irresistibly drawn to you.

Flirting is a natural gift that we have had from birth. Babies flirt wildly with everyone that comes their way. Unfortunately many adults seem to have lost this wonderful ability. Somewhere along the line we were [wrongly in my opinion] told that it was bad to draw attention to ourselves that little children should be seen and not heard. Some people have grown into adults that are neither seen nor heard. But there is hope you can learn to flirt again.

Flirting is a signaling mechanism that was bestowed upon us by nature. It is a communication tool. Sigmund Freud said that we leak the truth from every pore. We all have patterns of physical reaction that we exhibit. The secret is knowing the patterns of others and being aware of our patterns. For example it is useful to be know what reaction certain behaviours you do create in others. The reaction might be very different to the reaction you are intending to create. We are all gifted with the ability to signal. Many of us need to learn to read how our signals affect others and what signals we can send out to convey certain messages. This goes hand in hand with the ability to decipher other people's signals.

Flirting is our natural way of expressing interest in people. A smile bestowed here, a shared giggle or a word exchanged in the supermarket line can be a powerful thing. Flirting can be a prelude to friendship or a prelude to mating. Once you know how to do it you can choose how to use it. Great flirts do it with everyone, babies, men, women dogs and cats. People who flirt well get what they want in life because they know how to create good feelings in other people.

I am a natural flirt – I love communicating and I find myself initiating conversation with strangers wherever I go.

When I go outside in the world I get an overwhelming sense of possibility and anticipation. I know that I have the opportunity to connect with someone new each day. When I encounter someone who looks good I often turn round and say ‘great dress’ or 'neat tie' as I pass by.. Sometimes I place my hand on someone’s shoulder or tap them on the arm and say ‘I just wanted to say – you have lovely hair’. I have NEVER had a rebuff. Quite the contrary. The warm smile that comes over the faces of people I encounter gives me a real buzz. And it costs absolutely nothing.

One word of warning. It’s no use telling a grossly overweight person what a lovely trim figure they have! People can spot insincerity a mile off. I always make sure to compliment only those attributes or adornments that I really do like. MORE after this message

I go running sometimes on the seafront. I just enjoy smiling and saying 'hi' or 'good morning' to EVERYONE I meet. I know that someone will take that smile and pass it on to someone else...who knows what positive knock-on consequences it might have.

Life goes at a fast pace and many of us are rushing around with our heads full of what we have to do, what we haven't done, what's bothering us, what we want to happen. It's too easy to get caught up in our own inner world. Every so often it's important to come outside, pay attention to what's going on in the world and acknowledge that we all share the same planet and a kind word or a genuine smile goes a long way to maintaining our membership of the human race as opposed to becoming merely a human racing!

There are many different types of flirting. For example, you can flirt sexually or non-sexually. The key is to know what you want to achieve and what are the right signals for your purpose. When I was in a relationship, my partner once asked me why, as an attractive and very flirty woman, I don’t have men beating down the door to ask me out. I believe it is because I sent out the signals that say, I like you, I want to enjoy your company, but I’m not available. When you are flirting for fun and not to attract a partner, it is very important to differentiate.

The way someone might flirt with their partner or lover will be very different from the way they will flirt with the supermarket checkout person and different still from flirting with a business associate. Yes, you can flirt at work and steer clear of sexual harassment. The key is to know which signals to send out to whom and for what reason!

When I was fourteen, I was an indiscriminate, unsophisticated and wanton flirt. I also looked a lot more sophisticated and worldly wise than I was. If a boy looked at me, I looked back at him and played it for all it was worth hitching up my already micro skirt, pouting, smiling and generally beckoning. The less diplomatic amongst us might define my behaviour as 'prick teasing'.

One day on holiday in Italy, after accepting, behind my parents' back a date with one of the handsome young waiters I had been wildly flirting with, I found myself up against the wall as he eagerly tried to remove my clothes. Fortunately, I extracted myself from the situation.

Looking back I realised that I had been 'flirting for England'. I was too young to realise what effect my flirting was having on a hot-blooded young man. The fact is that he stopped when I asked him but he might not have been such a gentleman. We all know that rape is wrong and that no woman asks to be raped. At the same time we need to be able to know what signals we are sending out especially when in the company of people whose judgment might be clouded by alcohol or other substances.

My wild and highly sexual flirting could have increased my chances of being 'date-raped'. They were obviously misread by the young waiter. As a woman it is important to know why we are flirting and which kind of flirting we should be using. There are times when we see someone, we want them and we flirt as a sexual come-on andthat's great, when you know what you want and go for it. But when we do not have that intention in mind we need to flirt accordingly.

This will help to maximise your safety and keep your signals clean. If you don't differentiate you could find yourself in a sticky situation. Of course, wild sexual flirting can be a marvellous bonus in a relationship.

The ability to decipher and transmit signals effectively can be learned – I teach it in my playshops. If you want to find out more about signals read my article.

The ability to flirt well comes from an inner belief in one’s own self worth. Some of the best flirts are not your ‘chocolate-box’ beauties or your ‘Chippendale' hunks. . They are people who feel confident that they have something to offer the world and enjoy creating good feelings in other people. They are the clever ones because they know that when you make other people feel good, it bounces right back onto you!

Richard Bandler, the originator of NLP, says that wallflowers are very selfish because they, of all people, know how painful it is to sit alone on the sidelines yet they continue to deprive all those other poor wallflowers of a gentle word, a warm sound or a bright touch.

Do you want to be a selfish, lonely wallflower or do you want to send out your light into the world and be one of those people that everyone wants to be with.

When you learn to flirt successfully and accurately, you can change the world you live in and reap for yourself an endless supply of smiles, happiness, laughter, fun and love.

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