Get over that relationship

20 years ago my partner died in a car crash. From the moment of being told about the accident to the funeral and way beyond I was carried up on a wave of sympathetic and helpful friends.

If that same partner had left me for another woman do you think for a moment that I’d have received the outpouring of sympathy and concern from all those people for such a long time? I think not.

Sure my close girlfriends would have listened and sympathised, but somehow there is a stigma still attached to a partner leaving that generates different attitudes. 18 years later I mentioned the death of my partner to someone and they were profuse in their sympathy. I have long since healed, but it made me think. I wonder if that person would have even dreamt of expressing her sorrow had I told her that my partner left me 20 years ago. I suspect she'd think I should have got over it by now!!! Strange how we humans work isn't it!

When a loved one dies, there is a finality. We know that he/she didn’t leave us for someone else so it seems easier to feel honoured and loved. When a loved one leaves and especially when they leave for or quickly find someone else and you have not, the loss is even more tearing because you know they are out there. There is no finality. There is always the possibility that somehow you can put back the pieces.

Both types of loss share common factors. The person you loved is no longer in your life. Your grief can be as deep when someone leaves you as when they die. It seems to me that we don’t give the same degree of concern and tender care to those whose lover has left them as we do to those whose lover has died.

When someone leaves we need to go through the same process of grieving, acceptance and moving on as we would if that person died. We need to create our own sense of finality so that we can move on and we need the sympathy and tender support of our friends for as long as we need to learn to move on.

So, how do you get over it. What is it that you need to do in order to heal quickly and move on with a smile on your face and hope for the future?

1. Accept your sadness and be very very kind to yourself. Do not put undue pressure on yourself. Take time off from work if necessary. During this mourning period, learn to accept that this person was put in your path for you both to learn and grow and remember the good things and value them. Buy books or attend workshops that support the idea of letting go and feeling good about yourself. Ask your doctor to recommend a grief counsellor if that feels right. You are just as entitled to one as someone who has lost a loved one to death.  
2. Create a farewell ritual to formalise the end of the relationship. When someone dies we have formal funerals but when a loved one leaves we have no such comforting ritual. That’s why it might help to create your own. If you can, burn love letters and things that remind you of what is no more. Letting go of the material goods helps to let go of the memory. Don’t be tempted to keep souvenirs and pore over them – it will only make the memory and want linger on.
   A ritual can be anything that marks out a stage in life. There are many ways to ritualise things. It might be just lighting a candle and saying I let you go and wish you well and I welcome love into my life. It might be going out into the countryside and letting out an almighty scream…or burying the love letters and saying a few words of farewell. Whatever feels right for you and is releasing will work. [A great book to guide you in this is The Art of Ritual, Beck and Merrick available on amazon.]
3. Treat and indulge yourself. All the books and experts tell you this because it’s good for you. Food might be the first treat that comes to mind, but be moderate. Stop counting calories and allow your body to tell you what to eat. Think of the type of exercise you would most love to do and start doing it. Another old standby is your bath. Buy some aromatic bath oil, light loads of candles and soak for as long as you need as often as you need. Read a book like ‘A woman’s worth’ by Marianne Williamson or hunt the bookshops for a book on getting over it. There are plenty around.
4. Love yourself and take pleasure. If the fancy takes you, spend time making love to yourself and really enjoying it. Buy a sex toy, look at things that turn you on. Even though you have lost a lover, there is no need to stop loving yourself. Keeping your sexual fires stoked produces good-feeling chemicals in your body and is very healing.
5. Ask yourself each day what you have to be grateful for. Thinking that you have a roof over your head or a job or just that you have friends or family that love you and being grateful for the sun shining and having enough to eat is sometimes very healing. It allows you to focus on what is possible and not what is no longer.
6. Make a list of all the things that are great about you and tell yourself. Say to yourself what I like about me is. Make a list of all the qualities a lover will get when they get you and re-read and add to them whenever you think of something else.
7. Go on a personal development workshop that will boost your positive self image. You’ll also meet new people who are also trying to improve their lives and they are more likely to have positive attitudes.
8. Surround yourself with people who give you hope rather than drag you back into the past or drag you down. Avoid people who pat you on the back and say stuff like ‘oh how awful’ and seek out people who say things like ‘so what’s next – what wonderful people are out there for you to meet’

And when you are looking back at yourself from having got over it, what would you tell yourself from there in the future that you have learned. Make it something worthwhile.